The Stanford Business Reporter

Issue date: 12/3/01 Section: Columns

Have you ever wondered what people are really thinking about you? If you’re like many of us at the business school, you probably do, all the time. And you spend a lot of time trying to manage perceptions.

Enter Touchy Feely. Shrouded in mystery, amidst a collective monologue about weekends, finals, and recruiting, Touchy Feely lingers in the air, inviting sincere, personal questions to which there are no satisfactory answers.

We’ve attempted to demystify Touchy Feely for the uninitiated (we fall into that category), distilling perspectives from six classmates.



When you do X, it makes me feel…

Imagine sitting with fourteen people, three hours a week. There is no set topic of conversation. Someone simply speaks. Other people react. Everyone is listening (or at least that’s the ideal), in the present moment.

Touchy Feely is a laboratory environment where you receive - and learn to give – feedback about your behavior. Twelve classmates form your training group, or T-group; you go through the process together, aided by a facilitator. The professors provide a set of concepts that help you communicate your feelings in a constructive way, which each group member practices. Throughout a series a weekly T-group sessions and a weekend-long retreat, you learn what people are thinking, how to respond to their positive and negative impressions, and how what you say and do impacts them.

“T-group is a place to experiment with different behaviors – taking more control, taking less control, getting to know people you’re comfortable with in a deeper way. It’s a safe forum for taking risks,” a student said. “You can try different behaviors without people thinking you’re insincere.”

Despite the images its name conjures up, Touchy Feely is not intended to defrock your hard-nosed edge. “My fear is that people think Touchy Feely’s goal is to turn them into really mushy, supersensitive softies. And the reality to me seems to be it’s not about changing your behavior to become something that you’re not; it’s more about understanding how your behaviors impact people…and changing them if you don’t like it” a student said.

T-group members routinely engage in difficult conversations, such as conflict, criticism, praise, or showing affection.

“The best thing that T-group gave to me is practice in saying the unsaid. It just makes it easier to do that in a high-stakes, real-life situation when you’ve done it in T-group.”



Personal Lessons

T-group offers different lessons for every person, but a universal lesson seems to be the diversity of opinions out there. “You’d be amazed at what’s going on in people’s minds,” a student said.

Another common lesson was that honesty doesn’t have to jeopardize relationships. “You can have conflicts and messy emotional entanglements and out of it become closer to people.”

Another lesson is how to clearly communicate your intentions. “I’ve learned how I can be more effective in communicating ideas so that the content is what people focus on and not the delivery method.”

Several students noted how valuable the class was in business school, where so many feel pressure to appear unflappable. “I’ve learned so much about what goes on under the business school façade,” another student said. “Everyone walks around claiming that things are okay and perfect and the weekend was great and school is great…that’s not always the reality.”

For some, T-group helped them to realize that they were being perceived in surprising ways. “For a portion of T-group, I was being perceived in a (way that was) completely the opposite of how I’d want to come across,” a student said.

“I have a role at the business school that I haven’t been quite aware I’m playing,” said another student. “(It) distances people from me and makes me feel like I don’t have as many friends at the GSB as I have acquaintances.”

Another student learned that their aura of self-confidence sometimes makes them seem unapproachable, and has changed their behavior. “When I see people (now), I’ll ask them an open question instead of ‘hi-bye,” the student said.

Several got to know and admire classmates with whom they never thought they’d have anything in common, and many have made lasting friendships. “Your first, second, third impression of a person could be totally off,” a student said.

Students also pick specific behaviors to work on in T-group. Some focused on how to express or accept negative feedback. Others worked on becoming more patient listeners, or being less accommodating.



Beyond T-group

The lessons learned in Touchy Feely can be applied in personal and professional relationships, though students disagreed about how easy it is use the T-group techniques with the uninitiated -- one reason that spouses and S.O.’s are encouraged to take the class.

One student related how the class has changed the way they talk to their father. A close relative had passed away, and the student’s father didn’t tell the student until several days later. “I was upset to hear the news and I was upset with him for not telling me right away,” the student said.

“I’m not sure how I would have responded before Touchy Feely, but I ended up telling him how hurt I was. We were able to have a very mature conversation about those feelings rather than being just raw emotions. I felt closer to him because we’d had that conversation.”



Is it for me?

Everyone we interviewed felt that the class was worth taking, if only because you’ll never have the opportunity elsewhere. “(To not take it is) like saying, ‘I’m not going to run the numbers on this acquisition because I just feel good about it,” a student explained. “That’s just dumb. You should know, and it allows you to have more choices over the behaviors you choose to display.”

“No matter how emotionally aware you are, you can always be more so,” another said.

Experiences in Touchy Feely do vary widely, however. While some students have “an absolutely epic definitional moment,” others may be disappointed.

According to one student, the process can leave loose ends. “Some people are feeling, ‘I’ve really exposed myself, and there’s not enough time for the friendships to evolve.”

In addition, it is a big time commitment. The class meets once a week, plus T-group, a weekend retreat, and reflection journals that start taking on the characteristics of a footstool or heavy doorstop.

Nevertheless, for many it is a powerful experience, and a rare chance to find out what people are really thinking and feeling.

If you wish to keep this dialogue open, ask questions or offer suggestions for future columns or topics, please email kaizen@gsb.stanford.edu.

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