Walks of Shame Climb 27%
“This place is great,” crows one young stud
Jim Twiss
Issue date: 11/12/01 Section: Humor
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Although the latest figures are still being compiled and checked, early indicators suggest that walks of shame within the Schwab Residential Center are up as much as 27% over a comparable period last year.
“So I got some action. What’s the big deal?” groused one woman, who declined to give her name. “You wouldn’t even have noticed anything, if I hadn’t been wearing a cocktail dress and full makeup at 7:20 AM.”
Some disputed The Reporter’s definitions. “It’s not a walk of shame if you leave before daylight,” argued one man spotted by alert Reporter staff at 5:10 in the morning. “I swear, we were just watching videos and fell asleep.”
Administration officials are at a loss to explain the surge in concupiscence among the student body. “Beats me,” confessed George Parker, who meant to ask us not to include his name, but forgot. “If you ask me, last year’s class was better looking. I guess they were just shy.”
Admissions Director Derrick Bolton had a different explanation. “Applications skyrocketed last year. The Class of 2003 had to claw their way over friends and colleagues to get here, and they just take what they want. Grrr!” he added, waving his hand like a little claw.
Regardless of the cause, the results are indisputable. 96 students were observed sneaking across the Schwab courtyard in the early morning during the month of October, up from 76 last October, and not everyone is happy about it. “These kids have got to be stopped,” said The Schwab Lady angrily. “This is a Signature building. We have standards to uphold.”
Dean Joss, on his annual four-month vacation in Australia, could not be reached for comment.
“So I got some action. What’s the big deal?” groused one woman, who declined to give her name. “You wouldn’t even have noticed anything, if I hadn’t been wearing a cocktail dress and full makeup at 7:20 AM.”
Some disputed The Reporter’s definitions. “It’s not a walk of shame if you leave before daylight,” argued one man spotted by alert Reporter staff at 5:10 in the morning. “I swear, we were just watching videos and fell asleep.”
Administration officials are at a loss to explain the surge in concupiscence among the student body. “Beats me,” confessed George Parker, who meant to ask us not to include his name, but forgot. “If you ask me, last year’s class was better looking. I guess they were just shy.”
Admissions Director Derrick Bolton had a different explanation. “Applications skyrocketed last year. The Class of 2003 had to claw their way over friends and colleagues to get here, and they just take what they want. Grrr!” he added, waving his hand like a little claw.
Regardless of the cause, the results are indisputable. 96 students were observed sneaking across the Schwab courtyard in the early morning during the month of October, up from 76 last October, and not everyone is happy about it. “These kids have got to be stopped,” said The Schwab Lady angrily. “This is a Signature building. We have standards to uphold.”
Dean Joss, on his annual four-month vacation in Australia, could not be reached for comment.
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