IT Users' Guide
Reporter Staff
Issue date: 10/29/01 Section: Humor
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We here at The Reporter have recently been overwhelmed by questions from anxious students about the sorry state of the GSB’s IT infrastructure. With the zeal for public service for which this publication is famed, we deployed a team of crack investigative reporters to get to the bottom of the problems here and answer your questions.
Why is Axess not available after midnight?
Axess is only available until midnight because of problems the server was experiencing several years ago. After a series of unexplained hardware failures, Stanford got rid of the machines it was using to run the system, called “computers,” and replaced them all with a 53-year-old woman named Mildred. Mildred is willing to work very hard and spend all day writing down your information requests, but at night she goes home to be with her family.
Why do I get so much email about the GSB servers crashing? It seems like they crash a lot.
Many months ago, Dean Joss locked Tony Holland in the GSB basement as punishment for hesitating at the front of the burrito line in Arbuckle. Because his communications are monitored, he is trying to contact rescuers by sending pleas for help: encoded messages about rebooting the servers and whatnot. Try reading only the third letter of every word.
How can I use the CMC website most effectively?
In order to save students time, the new CMC leadership has implemented an important new tool. After you have uploaded your resume, simply click on the button labeled “Submit to All.” This will send your resume to every employer who is recruiting on-campus, which they know perfectly well is what you were intending to do anyway.
Why can’t the CMC send my resume to all the recruiters for me, then?
That is the next step. According to Andy Chan, CMC Director, “After making absurd amount of money in my wildly successful Internet startups, I decided to pass on my knowledge to all of you still struggling away in the depths there. No phone calls, please.” Mr. Chan went on to detail his plan to automate fully the resume submission process, sending every resume to every recruiter in the developed world. He calls this the “resume book” initiative.
Why is Axess not available after midnight?
Axess is only available until midnight because of problems the server was experiencing several years ago. After a series of unexplained hardware failures, Stanford got rid of the machines it was using to run the system, called “computers,” and replaced them all with a 53-year-old woman named Mildred. Mildred is willing to work very hard and spend all day writing down your information requests, but at night she goes home to be with her family.
Why do I get so much email about the GSB servers crashing? It seems like they crash a lot.
Many months ago, Dean Joss locked Tony Holland in the GSB basement as punishment for hesitating at the front of the burrito line in Arbuckle. Because his communications are monitored, he is trying to contact rescuers by sending pleas for help: encoded messages about rebooting the servers and whatnot. Try reading only the third letter of every word.
How can I use the CMC website most effectively?
In order to save students time, the new CMC leadership has implemented an important new tool. After you have uploaded your resume, simply click on the button labeled “Submit to All.” This will send your resume to every employer who is recruiting on-campus, which they know perfectly well is what you were intending to do anyway.
Why can’t the CMC send my resume to all the recruiters for me, then?
That is the next step. According to Andy Chan, CMC Director, “After making absurd amount of money in my wildly successful Internet startups, I decided to pass on my knowledge to all of you still struggling away in the depths there. No phone calls, please.” Mr. Chan went on to detail his plan to automate fully the resume submission process, sending every resume to every recruiter in the developed world. He calls this the “resume book” initiative.