Around the League
Van Horne vs. Corp Fin goes down to the wire
Reporter Staff
Issue date: 10/15/01 Section: Humor
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DB: …for those of you just joining us, we’ve got a terrific game going here in room S181 of the GSB.
LP: That’s right, Darron. With just six minutes remaining, Professor Van Horne is clinging to a slim lead over his corporate finance class. But it’s been a long hundred minutes out there, and Van Horne is clearly tiring. He’s just called a timeout to flip through his legal pad.
DB: The class, not missing a beat, is lined up in its usual four-deep formation.
LP: That’s right, Darron, except I notice that Sophie-Charlotte Moatti, MBA2, has actually lined up outside the classroom. An innovative use of the skydeck.
DB: Larry, as you know, Moatti has been worrying Van Horne all afternoon. With her speed, she has a good chance of beating him to Arbuckle and back before he can hit her with a question.
LP: No doubt about it, these second-years are making Van Horne fight every inch of the way. The timeout seems to be over now, and Van Horne is dropping back to cold call.
DB: The students aren’t giving him an opening, though. I see almost no eye contact anywhere in the room.
LP: Van Horne, scrambling, is forced out from behind the desk. And--wait, there it is--Van Horne makes eye contact with Moises Eilemberg, MBA2. He connects with Eilemberg for a brutal cold call!
DB: That’s got to hurt, Larry. Eilemberg was trying to duck and look at the clock at the same time, and Van Horne stopped him in his tracks.
LP: Van Horne finishes up his cold call, and the question. Wait…Eilemberg laterals the question to Callie Neuman, MBA2, who hands it off to Elizabeth Newman, MBA2.
DB: …they’ve been running that Neuman/Newman play on Van Horne all quarter.
LP: …and it looks like—no, wait—Newman sends the cold call back to Van Horne for a clarification!
DB: Very bold, Larry. Newman’s definitely the type of student who isn’t afraid to get in there and make contact.
LP: Van Horne isn’t daunted, though. He’s elaborating and—wait--is it?
DB: And Van Horne has accidentally requested a qualitative answer! It’s up in the air! Alejandro Guerrero, MBA2, gets a hand on it—then Hadley Mullin, MBA2,—then—
LP: Massive pileup as the students scramble for the question, but it looks like Mike Zinser, MBA2, has come up with it. Let’s listen in…
MZ: …and then, my project leader said that we had to re-staple all the presentations, so he put me in charge, and I did it all overnight, but in the morning it was cancelled, so instead I flew to Poughkeepsie where they had a manufacturing plant, and I spent the day measuring the employees and graphed it against earnings-per-share over the last twelve months, but then the other analyst tried to take credit, so I stole his tape dispenser, and…
DB: That’s the kind of play we expect from Mike Zinser. A second-year man out of BCG, he led the league with 1.3 long, rambling anecdotes per class in his rookie year.
LP: And Van Horne’s obviously furious at himself for dropping a qualitative question on the class. You just can’t do that at this level, especially with so many management consultants in the backfield.
DB: Larry, it looks like Zinser is going to run out the clock, sealing the victory for the students, with a final score of 14 to 13.
LP: Stay tuned for the post-game show, with highlights from this and other classes around the school. I’m Larry Petunia.
DB: And I’m Darron Barry. See you next week.
LP: That’s right, Darron. With just six minutes remaining, Professor Van Horne is clinging to a slim lead over his corporate finance class. But it’s been a long hundred minutes out there, and Van Horne is clearly tiring. He’s just called a timeout to flip through his legal pad.
DB: The class, not missing a beat, is lined up in its usual four-deep formation.
LP: That’s right, Darron, except I notice that Sophie-Charlotte Moatti, MBA2, has actually lined up outside the classroom. An innovative use of the skydeck.
DB: Larry, as you know, Moatti has been worrying Van Horne all afternoon. With her speed, she has a good chance of beating him to Arbuckle and back before he can hit her with a question.
LP: No doubt about it, these second-years are making Van Horne fight every inch of the way. The timeout seems to be over now, and Van Horne is dropping back to cold call.
DB: The students aren’t giving him an opening, though. I see almost no eye contact anywhere in the room.
LP: Van Horne, scrambling, is forced out from behind the desk. And--wait, there it is--Van Horne makes eye contact with Moises Eilemberg, MBA2. He connects with Eilemberg for a brutal cold call!
DB: That’s got to hurt, Larry. Eilemberg was trying to duck and look at the clock at the same time, and Van Horne stopped him in his tracks.
LP: Van Horne finishes up his cold call, and the question. Wait…Eilemberg laterals the question to Callie Neuman, MBA2, who hands it off to Elizabeth Newman, MBA2.
DB: …they’ve been running that Neuman/Newman play on Van Horne all quarter.
LP: …and it looks like—no, wait—Newman sends the cold call back to Van Horne for a clarification!
DB: Very bold, Larry. Newman’s definitely the type of student who isn’t afraid to get in there and make contact.
LP: Van Horne isn’t daunted, though. He’s elaborating and—wait--is it?
DB: And Van Horne has accidentally requested a qualitative answer! It’s up in the air! Alejandro Guerrero, MBA2, gets a hand on it—then Hadley Mullin, MBA2,—then—
LP: Massive pileup as the students scramble for the question, but it looks like Mike Zinser, MBA2, has come up with it. Let’s listen in…
MZ: …and then, my project leader said that we had to re-staple all the presentations, so he put me in charge, and I did it all overnight, but in the morning it was cancelled, so instead I flew to Poughkeepsie where they had a manufacturing plant, and I spent the day measuring the employees and graphed it against earnings-per-share over the last twelve months, but then the other analyst tried to take credit, so I stole his tape dispenser, and…
DB: That’s the kind of play we expect from Mike Zinser. A second-year man out of BCG, he led the league with 1.3 long, rambling anecdotes per class in his rookie year.
LP: And Van Horne’s obviously furious at himself for dropping a qualitative question on the class. You just can’t do that at this level, especially with so many management consultants in the backfield.
DB: Larry, it looks like Zinser is going to run out the clock, sealing the victory for the students, with a final score of 14 to 13.
LP: Stay tuned for the post-game show, with highlights from this and other classes around the school. I’m Larry Petunia.
DB: And I’m Darron Barry. See you next week.