Summer D&D Project on Siebel Scholars Yields Amazing Results
Issue date: 10/1/01 Section: Humor
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Married people are smarter. This is the only conclusion The Reporter’s statistical staff could make after spending the summer pouring over reams of data concerning this year’s Siebel Scholars. The statistical staff called upon all their knowledge from D&D and looked at everything from age, undergraduate institution, GMAT scores, undergraduate GPA, prior work experience, marital status, hair color, height, speed, gender, and hours volunteered for C4C, just to name a few factors. Every factor was insignificant save marital status. This had an r-squared of over 3.14!! And the 95% confidence interval was so precise it was actually a 99% confidence interval! Siebel scholars have a high correlation with being married, and since the staff vaguely recalled that correlation equals causation they were able to reach this conclusion. This finding was bolstered further by the results of an elaborate Extend model.
So what is the underlying reason behind this fact? We spoke with several people in the class of 2002 to find out. Kathy Lipscomb, MBA2 observed, “Married individuals know how to budget their time and are used to adhering to schedules. They are forced to make time for their family and thus work hard at keeping the schedules.”
We also spoke to a second year at the Goose, who wished to remain anonymous. He said, “Are you kidding? Studying competes with so many other priorities. I have to go to the gym twice a day and then hit the clubs at night. I’ll never be able to compete academically with a married person.”
Peter Brimm, MBA2, an eligible bachelor who was on last year’s infamous list of sexiest men of the GSB, probably hit the nail on the head with his insightful comments. He said, “Well, it has come to my attention that the bizpartners are the real motivating factor in this whole deal. For instance, who else will hold you accountable for the cockamamie idea to go unemployed for two years ‘in the pursuit of academic goals’ which curiously entail an awful lot of ski trips, afternoons lounging in the sun, and parties. It’s the bizpartners’ admonishing glares that crack the proverbial whip behind these folks if you ask me. The whole scheme to avoid the doldrums of corporate America comes off a little rosier if you can unexpectedly wipe 25K off the cost of it all. Three cheers for the bizpartners I say. It's their stern discipline that keeps the Siebels in line long enough to be called Siebel.”
But what factors help differentiate a Siebel Scholar from other married individuals? To find out, we spoke with Ciaran Power, MBA2 who concluded that the reason for his demise was the fact that too many single people were in his study groups. “They pulled me down the curve along with them. I sacrificed myself for the greater good.”
Finally, we caught up with Aaron Cheris, MBA2. We asked him his secret to becoming a Siebel Scholar. He said, “I can’t really pinpoint any specific reason. Ever since I’ve been married I feel much smarter, read quicker, understand New Yorker comics, can memorize every line from movies I watch, and generally find learning easy.”
So what can the class of 2003 glean from this research? Apparently, if you desire to be a Siebel Scholar and you are married, congratulations! You are half way there. If you are not married, we encourage you to consider taking advantage of the Vegas FOAM trip. You can always get married in between the casino hopping.
So what is the underlying reason behind this fact? We spoke with several people in the class of 2002 to find out. Kathy Lipscomb, MBA2 observed, “Married individuals know how to budget their time and are used to adhering to schedules. They are forced to make time for their family and thus work hard at keeping the schedules.”
We also spoke to a second year at the Goose, who wished to remain anonymous. He said, “Are you kidding? Studying competes with so many other priorities. I have to go to the gym twice a day and then hit the clubs at night. I’ll never be able to compete academically with a married person.”
Peter Brimm, MBA2, an eligible bachelor who was on last year’s infamous list of sexiest men of the GSB, probably hit the nail on the head with his insightful comments. He said, “Well, it has come to my attention that the bizpartners are the real motivating factor in this whole deal. For instance, who else will hold you accountable for the cockamamie idea to go unemployed for two years ‘in the pursuit of academic goals’ which curiously entail an awful lot of ski trips, afternoons lounging in the sun, and parties. It’s the bizpartners’ admonishing glares that crack the proverbial whip behind these folks if you ask me. The whole scheme to avoid the doldrums of corporate America comes off a little rosier if you can unexpectedly wipe 25K off the cost of it all. Three cheers for the bizpartners I say. It's their stern discipline that keeps the Siebels in line long enough to be called Siebel.”
But what factors help differentiate a Siebel Scholar from other married individuals? To find out, we spoke with Ciaran Power, MBA2 who concluded that the reason for his demise was the fact that too many single people were in his study groups. “They pulled me down the curve along with them. I sacrificed myself for the greater good.”
Finally, we caught up with Aaron Cheris, MBA2. We asked him his secret to becoming a Siebel Scholar. He said, “I can’t really pinpoint any specific reason. Ever since I’ve been married I feel much smarter, read quicker, understand New Yorker comics, can memorize every line from movies I watch, and generally find learning easy.”
So what can the class of 2003 glean from this research? Apparently, if you desire to be a Siebel Scholar and you are married, congratulations! You are half way there. If you are not married, we encourage you to consider taking advantage of the Vegas FOAM trip. You can always get married in between the casino hopping.